TL;DR
- The mind grapples with terminal illness, experiencing a blend of grief, denial, and temporary relaxation, as it falls through a metaphorical dark hole, and may lead to anxiety, depressive thoughts, or freedom
- Denial can temporarily ease the mind and body’s turmoil, providing a false sense of calm and reducing the need for erratic actions, despite the slow, sorrowful passage of time.
- The soul brings peace and calm, helping to uncover beauty in life’s details, transforming the perception of terminal illness from darkness to an opportunity for emotional liberation.
- By appreciating life’s small treasures and maintaining a positive outlook, individuals gain resilience and a sense of freedom, enabling them to face terminal illness with newfound strength and optimism.
The Natural Response of the Mind
Terminal illness feels as though you are falling through a deep, dark hole with no one to catch you. As sorrowful days pass in this abyss, feelings of grief and hurt blend into day-to-day life. Our minds take us places so deep into the jungle of the unknown that they often transcend rationality. The line between reality and fear becomes blurred, and frays of anger emerge — anger at how and why this is happening to you specifically.
Why did this terminal illness have to befall you? This anger blooms into denial, creating a tumultuous inner storm. There is something so chilling about being unsure if there is someone who will save you. To end your uncertainty, to end the mental suffering you put yourself through; the longer your flailing arms and legs fall down that hole. Your floundering arms yearn for someone to catch them. Amidst this chaos, there is an understanding that this hole cannot keep you here forever because there’s no such thing as a hole with no end or light.
Right?
So, denial takes the place of sorrow. Denial of what is right before your eyes. It temporarily relaxes the mind. And to an extent, the body. The arms and legs don’t feel the same need to move erratically as they did before.
More days pass.
So
s
l
o
w
l
y.
Something tells you that this feeling of relaxation is only temporary. Depressive thoughts begin, just as anxiety takes a backseat. What about that dream trip to Cabo? What about the many times you said “later”, not knowing what you know now? That there is no later. There is only this dark, deep hole.
But,
Is that all so bad?
There is beauty within the ominous. There is boundless potential for the mystery that lies in this everlasting darkness. That can be scary, yes. But the soul tells you that the beauty of life transcends this fear. For there is beauty everywhere. In everything. Down to the most minute details. The ones that most would miss. Like the colours of your purple shoes. Purple: the colour of lavender, of rarity and royalty. And the wonders of the human body — being able to breathe and stabilize her organs even through the tumultuous paths the mind and illness take it.
The Natural Response of the Soul
As the soul takes over, new feelings of peace and calm slowly set in. You feel waves of relaxation ripple through your mind and body. Just as a cool ocean breeze unveils the beautiful shimmer of serene ocean waves, these ripples throughout your body uncover a hidden majesty others cannot see. When we choose to see life’s riches as opposed to its darkness and misery, we start to glimpse the dawn breaking through the night’s end. The one that our arms and legs had been flailing for. The one that our mind ran a marathon to find.
Life is like a front yard. When we tend to her, she flourishes with neatly trimmed lawns and vibrant gardens, a picture of cultivated beauty. Yet, when left wild and untrimmed, she transforms into a haven for pollinators, a tapestry of natural growth that sustains the ecosystem.
Finding meaning in all of life’s treasures, no matter how small, painful, or insignificant, fuels a desire to continue life.
Every day is a trek through the labyrinth of disease, with each step filled with uncertainty and suffering. The darkness is deep, a quiet friend who never leaves. But in this suffocating nothingness, there are glimmers—tiny moments of surprising light. The gentle touch of a hand, the aroma of lavender borne by the air, and the laughter that emerges despite everything. These pieces of life cut through the despair, proving that there is something to grasp onto even in the depths.
The weight of truth pushes down, but yielding to it feels strangely liberating. The conflict fades, replaced by a precarious peace. It’s not about overcoming the darkness, but rather learning to traverse it and locate those slivers of light that guide the way through. It’s not just about surviving; it’s about finding a way to live within the shadows and recognize the beauty that exists everywhere. Even here.
Dear Nour Marzuk, your lyrical response to dying invites more vibrant living. I’m curious how you are so intimately acquainted with dying. My grandfather, who lived wholeheartedly to be 98, expressed angst about not knowing when and how death would find him. Uncertainty, pain, decline and fear of being burdensome to loved ones are some of the compelling reasons people seek assisted dying which is legal under certain conditions in my Canada. Knowing there is a choice renews agency and often a will to live. I want to be remembered as myself, not a shadow. Try as I may I cannot shake off my mother’s suffering in my search for memories in her prime. Trusting us and ours to hope, health, happiness, and harmony.